i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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