just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
