I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
