I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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