i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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