i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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