My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
