Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
