The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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