Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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