3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Randomize
