If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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