im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
