Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We are all done wearing pants today
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
