i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
