She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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