he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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