you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
