I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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