I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
