the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
