what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
