I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
