I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
