if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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