Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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