I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
