Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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