We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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