clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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