I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
