My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
