you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
