I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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