I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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