FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
