Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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