your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
