You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You have to summon your inner elephant
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
