They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
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