I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
