I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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