sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Bring me that man meat
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
