from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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