The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
