guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i think my cat just said my name.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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