Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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