my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
