dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
