The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
