I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
