You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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