she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
