this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
