maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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