A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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