Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
