apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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