I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
